Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My narsistic mother

With Mother's day approaching , i thought it only appropriate (and therapeutic) to write about my mother. She's a narcissist. An engulfing but sometimes ignorant, gaslighting NARCISSIST.

She pulls history out of thin air. Events and memories can be invented sometimes with no basis in reality. And heaven help me if I disagree! The whole world is a lie if it should reflect badly upon her. Only she knows the truth and in it she is wonderful and almighty......

Yet should it come to pass that victim-hood should grant her copious amounts of attention, my how the mighty will fall. Flat on her face even! "Oh why should the world torture someone so great!" bemoans my mother. At this point in time she will call me and want all the emotional and financial support she can get out of me. The engulfing narcissist will emerge and demand of me until i can give no longer. And when i can give no longer she will disappear until she needs to feed off of me again. I''ll give you an example:

I m burning with fever and having trouble breathing. I have bronchitis, I'm 25 and i haven't seen my mother for years. Shes back in town and needs money cause she can rarely keep herself a float for extended periods of time. I meet her at the coffee shop despite my illness. I read her Tarot cards to comfort her and kissed goodbye $300 of my dollars. Two weeks later, she calls me again begging me to pay her $100 storage bill. Never asked me if i was feeling better even though last time we spoke my breathing was a bit labored. She just wanted my money. So i paid the storage bill. She only calls me when she wants money or attention. I stopped answering her phone calls after a while and continue to dodge them to this day. She is not my daughter! I am her's!

The horrible things she has gaslighted are to personal for me to dump on the internet. But the things she forced me to take blame and "responsibility" for fucked with my head so badly that i had to be dumped in the looney bin during my younger years to learn to cope with it all. People like my mother should be sterilized so they cannot be permitted to inflict this type of childhood on anyone.

There is always a lingering guilt that i have for feeling this hatred for my mother. Its not that i think i should love someone who hurts me so much or even the respect society says i am to have for my parents. The guilt comes from the fact that I cannot comprehend her lack of empathy. Its literally impossible for me to do so. I want to believe that something this evil can't exist. I want to believe that somewhere in there is a person who can truly love me without strings attached. She is my mother after all.

But then she yells at me when i am in tears because of my grandmother's death and i am reminded of who she is. Even as a child should could not handle my tears. She would get angry at them no matter the cause. I have learned to be emotionally dead inside when i am around her. My normally expressive tone of voice sinks into a flat monotone. My effect is generally dejected. This is not who i am with other people. Only my mother.

If my mother were to die tomorrow, I would feel as though the weight of the world were lifted off of my shoulders. I would feel freed from her binds. Because even though i don't speak with her, i can still feel her presence. I still think about what will happen if I should bump into her. She has threatened to kill me before, fuck she even tried to stab me once. Would she try again if she takes time away from her own reflection to realize that i have rejected her once again? My only hope is that she keeps gazing into that mirror......

Happy mother's day!

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